Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
