I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
