Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
