I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
