The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
