i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize