My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
