I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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