508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
