I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
farters have to be the big spoon...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
