On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
