i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
