god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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