I accidentally burped into my bong.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
