Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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