So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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