Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
