thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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