I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
