I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
