I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
