someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
