I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
