remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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