Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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