I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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