grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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