omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
