so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
