I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
