I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
