I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
