recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
