mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
