Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
