he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
