Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
