I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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