so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
