So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
