I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
