I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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