Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
