ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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