Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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