I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
