Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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