If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
