apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
