How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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