Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
