did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
