I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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