So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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