my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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