some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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