my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
