If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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